I wrote this piece a long time back -close to a decade ago–NOT A CHILD , NOT YET AN OLD MAN . I was going through my old posts and saw this. And it started a series of reflections. I was particularly struck by the hopeful tone of this post. It was so optimistic about the future . I thought it would be interesting to reflect on the last decade ,about my place in life and how do I feel now about the future.
As I reflect upon my life – one singular feeling stands out – that of disappointment. Disappointment in myself. I feel like I have singularly failed at many endeavors of my life. I have never lived up to the promises that I made to msyelf or to others -implicitly expected or explicitly made. I have always been an indifferent employee . I have been an uncaring friend. I am a bad husband and a rather mediocre son. True , I am materially comfortable and there are the visible trappings of success. I do count that among my blessings but somehow that doesnt console me because I am not living the way I want to or thought I would be.
Ironically ,at the same time I feel disappointed with the world ,the souls peopling it and life in general. I wonder at it’s vagaries and cringe at it’s indifference. I have known pain and struggle and loss. I have known bitter disappointment and I have been a bitter disappointment to others. I have been depressed more than I care to admit. I have never been suicidal but I have wondered if there isnt a quick painless end. In short , in general life sucks and is sucked out of you -literally and metaphorically.
And as I wonder about all of this , I cant help thinking if there is a better attitude to life? I feel like I am stuck in the same place as I was a decade back. Searching , hoping and getting disappointed. Have other people handled it better? Is there any one I can look up to for guidance? My thoughts turn to my mother. She got married when she was 18 ,small town , orthodox set up . She had me when she was 19. Her husband , my father deserted us when she was 23. So she had me , no job , no clue of her husband’s whereabouts and an education that was incomplete. Thankfully , my grandfather, her father , took us in. So she had shelter. So she lands a job , completes her education and raises me -all by herself and no she didnt remarry. I owe a lot to her.
Anyways , as I reflect upon this – I feel amazed. I see her strength and am awed. She faced the usual struggles of a single woman raising a kid by herself . I am her only offspring. My grandfather passed away more than two decades ago. I am what she got but apart from that she has no else to share her life with. She is lonely and severely weathered by life. I have disappointed her more than I would care to admit to myself . I have not been a great son.
And I see her attitude to life. There is no bitterness. No cynicism. The world has disappointed her but she hasnt turned away from it. She is strong yet retains vulnerability. She is realistic yet devoid of cyisicims. She is life weary yet hopeful. She had her disappointments ,yet not given to bitterness. She is devout. I would have turned away from God and religion in her place. I marvel at this attitude and I am thinking to msyelf that is the attitude I want.
I have always been struck by the Myth of Sisyphus. Rolling the boulder up the hill only to see it rolling down again ,KNOWING that it will roll down again. It is a deliberate choice. Life is like that I guess. It is a deliberate choice. A choice to live it or not. A choice to embrace it or not. And hope is important in this choice. And Will.
I suppose one continues get disappointed and one continues to disappoint. But cest la vie ,I guess. Its a deliberate choice one has to make – of going on living and embracing life. What drives this choice? Damned if I know . I guess it just is or isnt. Existentialists tell us its the will to life and that angst is a necessary accompaniment to life. I tend to agree with them.
Sometimes there is solace to be found in cliches. One cliche that comes to mind is from the Gita – Karmanye vadhikaraste.ma phaleshu kadachana. Do your thing and let the results be. Does it mean no expectations ? I am not so sure. Expecting and hoping are the key to the Will to live. I think its more an exhortation to continue living. It is a nice attitude. YOu are sure to be disappointed but you will continue to start rolling the boulder up the hill again.
Courage is important too I guess -to know what makes one happy and struggle for it. To know how to tell the difference between contentment and happiness . TO know the difference between serenity and true euphoria-for serenity and peace are like a stupor. To be willing to make choices- deliberate ones and to be willing to fight for those choices. They are burdens yes but I guess its the choice one makes.
So in that sense , I guess I would like to correct my attitude from before. One should always be a child because what else but childish naivete can prompt someone to embrace life and one can never be an old man because it is always a choice to make – a deliberate choice to continue living and trying to find happiness – whatever that means for one.
REALLY RANDOM RAMBLINGS 