IF ONLY

It would all have been easier, easier to bear, easier to live with 

I am tired, nay, I am weary , weary to my very marrow 

Weary of these Sisyphean ordeals 

Farcical déjà vu s , playing in loops , again and again and again 

With nary an alteration 

I am weary , I hurt , my shoulders sag and my insides burn 

It would all have been easier , easier to bear , easier to live with 

If only I was numb 

I would have expected the numbness to have settled in by now 

The weariness should have made me numb by now, numb and inert 

To the ordeals and to the pain 

But somehow I still feel the pain as keenly as I used to 

I still hope as fervently as I used to 

Scars from wounds long ago still throb and hurt 

As much as yesterday’s bruise 

Long buried memories of rainbows still intrude to make me smile 

As much as yesterday’s silver lining 

I still sob and wail as much as I used to 

And laugh and rejoice too 

I still feel too keenly and hope too fervently 

Despite the weariness and despite the hurt 

I know that that is all that there is 

Yet I still drink too deeply from Hope’s poisoned Chalice 

Prolonging Life and hastening Death 

It would all have been easier , easier to bear , easier to live with 

If only I was numb