Category: LIFE

NOT A CHILD , NOT YET AN OLD MAN

Orhan Pamuk says this about Black in his novel , ‘My name is Red’ . “I looked at the world , Not a child , not yet an old man.”.

On the same day I read these lines , by some coincidence , me and a good friend of mine , were having our usual discussions on career , midlife crisis , how life did not turn out as we wanted it to , how in a couple of years we will turn 30 and we don’t  really know what we want to do  and so on. We do this regularly . Like , two addicts , who confess to each other how hopeless their addiction is . And then we promise each other , that we will do something about it.  We do this every time even though we haven’t done anything about it yet , perhaps to draw solace from the fact that , each of us is not alone in feeling that way. It’s like we have lived around 28 years of our lives , and we are clueless as to whether we spent them all well , as much as we are clueless what to do with the next 40-45 years.

I would love to be younger again , not for anything else , but because of the fact that , being younger means having more hope. When I was young , I had a lot of hope. Age was on my side. And I could fly into bouts of fantasy , and had even the luxury of hoping it to turn to reality , just because I had age on my side. I am only 18 , I would tell myself , that meant a lot of life to live , and that meant enough time for any fantasy to be turned into reality. It was incredibly naïve but , it was also a great source of strength –this hope. I remember agonizing over spending two rupees more , to buy an express bus ticket , instead of the slower ones. I more so remember telling myself , on those occasions , that by 25 , I will have Mercedes at my disposal. I am 28 , and no I don’t have a Mercedes , but yeah that hope , helped me get through.

Similarly , I could always get an incredibly beautiful , smart girl who would be oh so totally devoted to me , I would be world famous , I would have established a business empire and so on. All fantasies , all naïve , but all of them represented hope for the future , and gave a certain strength to face it.

And as one grows older , the flights of fantasy are toned down , as one sees more of the world and how it works. As life passes you by , you not only realize that your fantasies and hopes were rather naïve , you also find yourself unable now to fantasize with the same vigor ,when you were younger , perhaps just a child in a certain sense. At a certain age , your hope is slowly replaced by a fear for the future.  You have lived a certain life so far , and either you make your peace with that way of life ,or panic.

But when I read the lines I mentioned in the beginning , it kind of got me thinking. I am not a child anymore , and while those flights of fantasies were great , they give one hope , but they just don’t work. At a certain age , you are not only in a position to see them for the childish stuff that they actually were , but more importantly , also remember the strength that they gave you . You are still in a position to hope , because you are not yet an old man , but old enough to understand and see the world and your life in it , for what it is. Your hope is now tempered by a certain experience of the world , and you are all the more better for it. You can perhaps now enjoy the world , for what it is , rather than what you want it to be and hope to find your special place in it and perhaps even hope to change it a little.

Yes , Not to be a child and not yet to be an old man , I guess that’s the ideal state in life.

Is that why they say ,life begins at 30 ? Or was it 40?

THE DREAM

I was standing on top of  what looked like a tower. It was raining. There were intermittent thunderbooms and flashes of lightening. I looked at myself . I seemed to have been transformed into some kind of a giant man-bird hybrid. I had huge leathery wings , and curving, sharp ,powerful claws. I seemed to stand at least 12 ft tall. I had a muscular torso and powerful legs. My chest was a barrel and my arms pistons. I felt really powerful and really strong.

I looked around myself . The tower seemed to be in the middle of a vast body of water, an ocean perhaps. And then I noticed , the magnificent castle far away. It was so far away in shore , and I was in the middle of the ocean , yet I could see it from here. So big and so magnificent was it. It seemed to have huge ramparts. And it was all lighted up.

Then I realized , I wanted to get there. That was it . That was what my powers were given to me for. That was their purpose. To reach the castle. To dwell in it. I looked even closer. I could see a lot of people trying to get to the castle. They seemed to be running towards it. They looked puny in comparison to me!!! I will make it before them, I thought. And I swooped down from my perch , spread my powerful wings and flapped away to the shore.

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I found myself running on the ground. It was grassy and soft.  I had lost my wings and my claws. My body was just itself now. I was wearing some kind of a black robe which seemed to have been made of a single cloth. There was a white sash that was tied around my waist. I was puzzled . For a while I couldn’t understand why I was here and why I was running. Then I remembered – of course , the castle – I had to reach the castle.

I looked around myself. There were a lot of people running . They didn’t look so puny now. In fact they all looked similar and very familiar somehow. They were all wearing black robes , with a white sash around their waists. They were of the same height and of the same build. And all of them were running towards the castle.

As I approached one of them , I looked at his face. I was shocked. He looked just like me. I staggered back. Then I ran towards another and looked at his face. Oh God, even he looked like me. Then I saw two others , they also looked like me. I was in a shock. This was too much to bear. Then they all stopped running  and stood still for a while. Then they all turned and looked at me. They were all me!!! All of them , they just looked like me.

And then suddenly , I was a rat. A tiny little rat , whimpering in the grass , trying to hide. They all looked at me , laughed and continued running.

I tried to search for the castle. I could see it’s ramparts , just beyond the mountain.

I was climbing the mountain. It was not a difficult climb nor was it steep, but it was tiring and never seemed to end. The mountain was too high. I just seemed to be climbing and climbing and the end never came. All that kept me going was the tantalizing view of the ramparts of the castle , during sunset and sunrise.

I would climb all day laboriously , and then would find a nook to rest myself for the night. Sometimes I didn’t even remember why I was climbing. I was just climbing. In the beginning , I used to look at the others , who were also climbing , and try to climb faster than them. Then I forgot that too. I simply climbed , day in and day out, the only reminder of the purpose of my climb being the tantalizing view of the castle ramparts twice in the day , during sunrise and sunset.

Sometimes , I would get delirious , sometimes I would get angry , and sometimes I would just weep. Sometimes , I would develop those claws again. Then they would break on the hard rock of the mountain and I would cry. Once , I even developed wings . I was escatic , I tried to fly , but I fell and slipped off the mountain. I had to start all over again. And in anger , I cut off my wings. And then I couldn’t remember why I did that.

Sometimes , when sleeping , I would dream about a powerful man bird  hybrid. It had a barrel for a chest and pistons for arms. It ruled over the ocean, flying free over it. It did not seem to be bothered about , the castle at a distance, it  was interested in flying , and in the forest on the other shore. Then , I would wake up , puzzled . I would see the rampart and start climbing again.

I climbed thus , for 40 years.

I had reached the top of the mountain. I was old and haggard . I could see the others too on top of the mountain. They too were old. I had reached the top but couldn’t see the castle anywhere near. It still seemed far away.

My limbs ached, my head swam , my body cried out for rest , and yet , like a zombie , I started moving towards the castle again.

But after walking a distance , I realized I couldn’t walk anymore. I was weak and old and hurting. My legs felt heavy , and I felt dizzy . There was a sharp pain in my chest. I fell down , clutching my heart … I couldn’t breath , couldn’t see clearly and there were tears in my eyes , as I hadn’t reached the castle yet……and I couldn’t even remember why I had to reach that castle….I was dying…

I woke up with a start. There were tears in my eyes. I oriented myself.

I looked around . Thank God , I told myself , it was only a dream . But what a weird dream it was.

I looked around. It was a party , oh yes ofcourse , I remembered now , it was my retirement party , I was retiring after 40 years of service . and I had dozed off during one of the speeches

Whew .. what a weird dream.. my life was much better , I told myself.