LIE TO ME

Lie to me , beautiful Muse , Lie to me ,

Lie to me , as we walk together in your pristine woods

Lie to me , as I watch you speak , only half listening as I marvel at your ethereal beauty

Lie to me as we lay together , looking up at the stars

I know the Truth already ,  I only seek Lies from you

Don’t show me a mirror , O Muse , and don’t tell me I am ugly ,  I know that already

Instead paint me a portrait , a portrait of a handsome prince .Make me believe I am that Prince

Don’t laugh at my life , O Muse , and call it pointless , I know that already

Instead tell me tales , where I slay Dragons and save the townsfolk .Make me believe I am that Hero

Don’t call me names , O Muse , and tell me I am unlovable , I know that already

Instead spin me a yarn , tell me how easy it is to fall in love with me. Make me believe I am that Lover.

Don’t be cross with me , O Muse , and tell me I am vindictive , I know that already

Instead , tell me a story , where I have grace enough to forgive my enemies. Make me believe I am that Saint.

Don’t ridicule me , O Muse , and call me short sighted , I know that already

Instead give me a false account , where I have wisdom and foresight beyond my years. Make me believe I am that Prophet

Don’t look down upon me , O Muse , and call me a coward , I know that already

Instead tell me a fib , where I face down entire armies alone. Make me believe I am that Brave -Heart

Of what use the Truth , when it only paralyzes. Of what use is it , when it only ties you down

Instead , beautiful Muse , let me soar . Tell me Lies and ignite my mind .

Free my imagination , O Muse , it is now held hostage by the Truth

The Truth is arrogant , she thinks she owns Reality

Make me believe your Lies , beautiful Muse , and give them power ,And together let us watch these Lies remake Reality

Lie to me at Dawn , beautiful Muse , then again at Dusk

Lie to me in cruel Winter , then again in sweet summer.

Lie to me till I find Beauty . Lie to me till I find Purpose

Lie to me and watch me find Love. Lie to me and marvel at me finding Grace

Lie to me so you can bask in my Wisdom. Lie to me so you can take strength in my Courage.

Lie to me beautiful Muse , till you no longer need to Lie to me.

DEMONS

We live together , the creatures and I , we have always lived together

They are vile , these creatures , and hateful .They make for really bad company

I hate them and they hate me , but I doubt if they will ever leave

We now have a bond that is forged from hatred ,which sometimes is stronger than the bonds of love

Let me tell you about these creatures

First there is The Scaly One , he is the ugliest of them all and the sneakiest

Creeps upon me , when I am least expecting him ,when I am happy , when I am laughing

He throws a  hard punch and runs away

As I am reeling , my head spinning , I can still hear his maniacal laughter

I call this one Self Doubt

Then there are the Twins , they are dwarves really , they are small but they are heavy  

And they like to climb on my shoulders , one on each side

I can barely take a step forward ,

And the more they sit , the heavier they get and once they get on I just cant shake them off

I call them Guilt and Regret

Then there is the Magician , he transports me at will

To a cold place where it is always twilight

I have walked here for miles in all directions, but there is never a soul in sight ,

Just a vast misty landscape, that goes on forever and ever and ever

I call this one Loneliness

Also , there is the Hypnotist , he looks disgusting

His body covered in bright red sores , yellow fluid leaking from the pustules on his body

Bloodshot eyes and always shivering

He gives me his disease whenever I pass him by

My body burning , there are pustules on my body and my sores are festering , I am crying in pain and misery

I call this one Self Pity

And finally there is the Woman , the most beautiful I have ever seen ,

Long lustrous hair , and always dressed in green

Everything is brighter when she visits, Everything is lighter

And all the vile creatures run away skulking , looking for corners to hide in

But don’t be fooled , she is the worst Demon of them all

For she doesn’t stay very long , and when she leaves , the vile creatures come back

They are stronger , They are meaner , They are viler

I hate her the most , for she mocks me , by showing me what could be but what perhaps will never be

I call this one Hope.

OUR WORST INSTINCTS

For the rich, national borders are irrelevant and for the poor they are inconsequential. To both these classes, they are but imaginary lines on a map, albeit for different reasons. Hence, a lot of store is set by the middle class. The rich have vested interests and the poor are desperate. It is the middle class who is to be level headed and set the right political and social narrative. It is also the educated middle classes that lend ‘legitimacy’ to any ruling class or leader. Every leader realizes that mere popularity won’t do without legitimacy – that veneer of acceptance and respectability. In our country too, it has been the educated middle classes that have proudly held aloft the flag of legitimacy for the current central ruling dispensation. It is not an exaggeration to say that no leader in recent Indian political history has enjoyed the levels of popularity and legitimacy as does the Supreme Leader.

In the context of the pandemic, some questions, however, have begun to emerge. The horrible human tragedy that continues to unfold, is perhaps forcing some to reevaluate. Questions have begun to emerge on inefficiency, on how science was ignored, on how things were not thought through and the like. The one thing that perhaps is being given the short shrift is that the ruling dispensation was always like this. The tragedy of the pandemic has just brought this starkly into view.

The Supreme Leader had taken a short cut to our hearts and gained legitimacy by sufficiently reflecting our worst instincts and hypocrisies and giving them legitimacy. To that extent it is a recursive, reciprocal process, a virtuous cycle of reinforcement if you will. Here I attempt to recount some of those worse instincts that we are possessed of. I am a constituent myself of the educated middle classes and some of the things that I am recounting are stuff that I observed growing up in a tier 3 town and that I continue to observe. These are not scholarly or analytical observations, just anecdotal ones. And they are not blanket observations, just general ones. Many honorable exceptions exist. Also the list is neither complete nor comprehensive.

So in no particular order, some of our worst instincts are:

  1. A ‘Father knows Best’ Attitude: Right from the beginning and through the entire arc of our life –as we grow up , in school , college and to some extent in our jobs-we are not exactly encouraged to ask questions. If anything, we are either subtly or even overtly discouraged. True , lip service , is paid in schools to the importance of asking and clarifying ‘doubts’ ,but God forbid we ask uncomfortable questions and questions that the teachers can’t answer. There is always a right and wrong set of questions. The authority figures know best – be it your parents, your teachers and then your bosses. We essentially engage in a life –long search for and submission to authority figures, hoping that one day we become authority figures ourselves. And then we perpetuate the cycle. Not rocking the boat and not asking ‘too many’ or ‘too uncomfortable’ questions become internalized behaviors and the norm. Free discourse be damned. Perhaps that is why you hear the common refrain “India needs a dictator”, particularly among many in the middle class. You are not particularly afraid of or worried about dictatorships, when your entire life has been about living under a series of dictators with the eventual hope that you will become one yourself. So when along comes a leader who is able to elevate himself to the status of the ‘Supreme Patriarch’ and promptly proceeds to behave like a dictator – it doesn’t feel frustrating, it feels familiar.
  2. Technology literate but unscientific in temper: We are ‘tool’ obsessed. We are good at employing tools and the tools become ends in themselves. We are not particularly bothered about what the tool means. We are perfectly comfortable in situations that would otherwise have been considered paradoxical. For instance, we find no contradiction in being adept at using a laptop as also worshiping it on a few occasions. We know that the Sun is but an inanimate star but have no problem paying obeisance to it should the occasion so demand. Our education seems to do little to change our practices. It is a scathing indictment of our education system –in that education has become a ‘tool’ and seems to do little for either our outlooks or our belief systems. We love technology, without setting much store by the scientific temper that created it in the first place. Confusing myth for history, not asking enough questions, not revaluating beliefs are all byproducts of this. Combine this with an enduring belief that we are THE greatest civilizations on earth, and you have some unsavory results. So, when a leader claims that plastic surgery and unmanned flight always existed in India and cites Ganesa and the Pushpaka Vimana , we don’t find it ridiculous – we say “of course”.
  3.  ‘Casually’ Bigoted: Casual Bigotry abounds. Stereotypes rule. We don’t think much about it. The very many artificial divisions in our society only add to our bigotry. The trouble is we are quite casual about it and don’t think of ourselves as being bigoted for holding on to certain stereotypes. We perhaps don’t even think along those lines. The number of times I would have heard statements like ‘He is of so and so religion, but he is a god guy’ is not funny. It is a matter, of course, that people of certain religions and castes find it difficult to rent houses. It is matter, of course, that people of only certain castes get to buy or rent houses in certain localities. These things don’t even register, let alone cause any outrage. We don’t realize our own bigotry. People belonging to certain religions and castes are ‘aggressive’, some are ‘soft’. These stereotypes and attitudes are symptoms of a deeper problem, a deeper rot. A rot whose full stench stays hidden in normal times, but takes only a few determined scratches on the surface for it to start manifesting itself. So when a leader deliberately and cleverly stokes divisions by appealing to our innate bigotry – it doesn’t cause outrage but occasions agreement.
  4. Oversimplification and lack of nuance: May be because the problems facing us are so complex, we have a tendency to oversimplify. Solve xx and everything else will be solved, is a common refrain. Replace xx with corruption, population –take your pick. And our solutions are also quite simplistic. Popular cinema has been exploiting this attitude of ours for a long time to reap rewards at the box office. Murdering the corrupt is a popular theme. So is the theme of a strong willed leader. We set much store by intent and will than expertise. I have written about it elsewhere. We assume that there are simple, straightforward solutions to mind bogglingly complex problems and we also conveniently forget that any solution could have several downstream implications and these also need to be accounted for. This disdain for expertise and an overreliance on ‘intent’ and ‘will’ combine with a condescension for the social sciences- the realm of solutions for many problems that face us. The ‘arch problems’ that we identify like population for instance, also are pressed into the service of justifying the ruler’s failures. “Oh, but we are a 130 crore people, not like Europe”. Well, it did not so happen that the population exploded overnight, because people suddenly decided to do it like bunnies. Instead of demanding from our rulers that they build solutions that scale for our size, we let them offer up it up as an excuse and even join in the chorus. Many movies, unfortunately, have also taught us that getting 15 lacs into the bank account of every citizen is not only possible but also very straightforward. So when a leader displays disdain for expertise and steamrolls on ahead with simplistic solutions even when they threaten widespread hardships, we don’t feel worried, we feel vindicated.
  5. Privilege unconscious: We have the uncanny ability to recognize everyone else’s privilege, but our own. A martyr/victim complex lurks just beneath the surface. This typically translates into 1) a self-imposed feeling that each one is on their own 2) a shameful lack of compassion. When the migrant crisis had struck last year, I heard many who are close to me ask “if the migrants were stupid”. “But where are they going? Shouldn’t they just stay where they are? This is just stupid baba”. That a young man -who is away from his family, who just lost his livelihood and who is hearing of a deadly pandemic – would want to be near his family and would crave a support system , did not occur to these people. Interestingly, many employees moved bases back to their hometown when indefinite WFH was announced by many companies last year. They moved for very valid reasons. Trouble is, we are unable to see the parallels between the two –that this is just a difference of economic means and not intentions.  So when our leaders conveniently ignore these tragedies that affect those that are less fortunate than us, we do not flinch, because we had ignored those tragedies long before the leaders did.

We could go on. But the larger point is our leaders reflect who we are. As the philosopher Joseph De Maistre said – In a democracy, people get the leaders that they deserve. The tragedy of the pandemic has been personal to many of us. The bigger tragedy is that it takes a tragedy of these proportions for us to start demanding accountability and start asking questions. The biggest tragedy of them all is that, it is quite likely that we will forget all of this and slip back to our old ways.

We need better leaders. But for that we need to be better ourselves. We will do well to remember that.

DON’T LISTEN TO THEM

They are telling us to stay positive, comrade

To not pay attention to the virus, to think happy thoughts, to not spread negativity and fear

Don’t listen to them, comrade, don’t listen to them

For staying positive is the worst insult you can visit upon the dead and the suffering

For staying positive is the worst form of escapism

Those asking you to stay positive, want you to think only of yourself, they don’t want you to feel comrade

We have to feel now, comrade, feel deeply, feel till our very souls combust

So whatever you do, comrade, don’t listen to Them

Instead….

Sob, comrade, sob

Sob for the departed, comrade, sob for the sufferers, sob for their horror, sob for their terror

Sob till your heart breaks into a million pieces, comrade

Then gather those pieces and sob for your broken heart

Seek out the wail of the ambulance, comrade, was this the 10th or 12th time in the last one hour?

And wail in solidarity, bawl like a toddler, thinking of the life that could very possibly be extinguished

Could it be a 30 year old with two infants, or a 50 year old who is the sole breadwinner?

Or possibly a 20 year old whose life has not even begun or perhaps a 80 year old grandmother?

None of them needed to die, comrade, not this way, so sob knowing that

Sob for every life lost, comrade, like you have a lost a loved one , Sob till you have no tears left and then sob some more

But whatever you do comrade, don’t listen to Them

Rage, comrade, rage

Rage, knowing that your rulers are murderers, Rage, knowing that you are living in a failed state

Rage at the senselessness of it all and Rage further at insensitivity wherever you see it

Rage at those for whom deaths are statistics, rage at those 1 percenters

Rage at excuses, comrade, and rage at the emperor who is building a new palace for himself

Rage at yourself, comrade, knowing that your rage is not nearly enough

But whatever you do comrade, don’t listen to Them

Be ashamed, comrade, be ashamed

Know your privilege, comrade, and be ashamed of it. Think of the problems you obsess over and be ashamed

Know that your problems can never match up to those of the suffering, and be ashamed

Be ashamed comrade, for did we not cause this, you and me?

We asked for temples comrade and we got them, but, comrade, where is our God now?

Is he not happy yet, comrade, how many more temples does it take to bribe him?

Be ashamed comrade for our silence and be ashamed for not asking the right questions

We are helpless now, comrade , but we  were not always helpless. So be ashamed of that.

But whatever you do comrade, don’t listen to Them

Be kind, comrade, be unfailingly kind

Be kind, knowing that that is the least we can do. Be kind, knowing that everyone is waging a hard battle

Be kind, knowing that, we are on our own and all we have is each other.

For, make no mistake, comrade , the Gods have forsaken this land ages ago and have left no one in their stead , so be kind

But whatever you do comrade, don’t listen to Them

Love, comrade, love

Love with all your being, love with all your generosity, love with passion,

Hold your loved ones close, comrade, protect them .Love them like you are going to lose them tomorrow

Love enough so that you are able to forgive, but comrade, forgive discriminatingly and forgive but never forget

Forgive the man, but never the deed, may be even the deed, but not the creed

Love, comrade, love freely but make sure not to squander it.

But whatever you do comrade, don’t listen to Them

Cheer, comrade, cheer

Cheer for the tireless front liners, cheer for the medicine men and women, cheer for the volunteers

Cheer for the acts of kindness, cheer for the utter selflessness, and cheer for their existence comrade

Cheer and tell yourself comrade, “There but for the grace of the volunteers, go we”

Did I say earlier comrade that the gods have left no one in their stead? I stand corrected, we have the volunteers, comrade, we have the volunteers

But whatever you do comrade, don’t listen to Them

Think, comrade, think. Think, learn and know

Morbidly seek out knowledge of suffering comrade, every death, and every desperate gasp for breath

Learn about this till your brain screams for you to stop, till your heart threatens to break, till your very soul shivers, and then learn some more

For that is our penance, comrade, make no mistake .The penance of the fortunate, of the privileged

Think, comrade, think.

 Comrade, those asking you to think happy thoughts, those asking you to stay positive, don’t want you to think . They don’t want you to feel. They don’t want you to know

And comrade, we need to know, we need to think, we need to feel

We need to feel till our souls combust, we need to think till our brains explode

Let us self-immolate , comrade ,let us burn with the constant refrain , “Never Again” , “Never Again” , “Never Again”

And from this crucible of ashes and debris, something new will emerge, something better

Let us be Phoenixes together, comrade

For, comrade, if this doesn’t change us, then nothing else will

And if we don’t change now comrade, I am sorry to say, we might as well have not lived.

So, comrade, I beseech you, don’t listen to Them

WHEN TRUE NATURE CALLS

“You are both blinded by your own ego. You have to learn to let go of it. Have you not been paying attention to a word of what I have been saying”? This was His Holiness. He sounded exasperated.

“Your Holiness, I beg your pardon, but Reddy here needs this lesson more than I do. He is the one who is not willing to let go”, Naidu said.

“Oh yeah, I need this lesson more?” Reddy retorted in a sarcastic tone, drawing out every word. Then he turned to His Holiness, “Your Holiness, he keeps insulting me and yet wants concessions from me. Just a few minutes back he insulted my wife, questioned her character”

“It’s not an insult if it is true”, Naidu butted in. He was smirking slyly. “What about the names you called me? What about the subtle suggestion that I may have more than one father?”

It was Reddy’s turn to smirk. “First of all, there was nothing subtle about the suggestion”, he half chuckled here, “And as you say, it is not an insult if it is true. Now who needs the lesson more?”

Naidu, red with anger, violently lunged out of his chair. Seeing this, Reddy sprang up, ready for the assault he knew to be coming. And for the third time in half an hour, His Holiness’s two disciples had to intervene. They quickly ran one each to Reddy and Naidu and held them back. They made them sit back in their chairs. The disciples went back to standing in their respective corners.

It was a high ceilinged, largish room. This was the room in which His Holiness gave audience to devotees and visitors. The walls and the ceiling were painted white. On the walls hung large life sized paintings of various Hindu gods and goddesses. There were also two large photographs of His Holiness. One of them was in profile, showing His Holiness deep in thought and gazing into the distance. The other one was a frontal shot with His Holiness smiling visage beaming down on anyone who would set their eyes on the photograph. Right under this photograph, stood a high backed ornate throne like chair, meant for His Holiness. He was sitting in this chair now, cross legged, looking a little troubled and very annoyed with Reddy and Naidu.

Reddy and Naidu were seated facing his Holiness in simple plastic chairs. There was no other furniture in the room. Even these chairs were brought in especially for Reddy and Naidu. Normally visitors and devotees sat on the floor while His Holiness seated himself on the throne. But these were no ordinary visitors. They were two of the wealthiest businessmen in the town, not to mention generous donors to His Holiness’s ashram. So exceptions were made. And besides the purpose of this visit was not spiritual in nature. It was more mundane and earthly. Naidu and Reddy had a long standing land dispute, which had of late become nasty and had started affecting others in the town. With their businesses and resources, both of these businessmen generated significant employment. A two decade old land dispute had turned them into arch rivals. Litigation ensued and would have continued for another two decades and even more. However a recent government initiative made matters a little more urgent. The town was of some minor historical importance and the state government was running an initiative to promote tourism across the state. As part of that initiative the town received grants to develop a certain area of the town. The disputed land was right in the middle of this area. The whole project would be in danger if the dispute was not resolved. And the only way to quickly resolve it was an out of court settlement.

Other prominent citizens of the town had gotten together, including the district magistrate and the superintendent of police. They tried to prevail upon the two businessmen to settle their dispute so that the whole town could benefit. But to no avail. The rivalry had gone or for too long and ran so deep that the businessmen refused to compromise. It was no longer only the land dispute that was the problem between them. It had spilled over to many other aspects of their relationship. It was personal now.

After trying and failing, these prominent citizens, as a last ditch effort, had approached His Holiness. For all their rivalry, Reddy and Naidu had one thing in common. They were both deeply devout and particularly venerated His Holiness. They were both generous donors to the Ashram. The citizens felt that if anybody could prevail upon the two to resolve their dispute, it would be His Holiness. They would not, could not say no to Him.

On his part His Holiness was reluctant to intervene. He did have a history of successful mediations but they were for domestic matters –small change compared to what he was being asked to do now. He did not want to get involved in property and money matters. But those prominent citizens could not be turned away. They begged him to intervene. Pointed out the benefits to the town that a successful resolution would bring. They sang his praises. Extolled his spirituality and called His Holiness –Him of the Golden Tongue. His Holiness finally relented and agreed to talk to the two. But he still did not like interfering.

His Holiness had a stellar reputation in the town and in the neighboring villages. Devotees thronged to his Ashram to hear his sermons. And it is true what the prominent citizens had said. His Holiness, indeed was possessed of a golden tongue. He was a gifted speaker. He knew his scriptures and lore well. And he could expound in a manner that was accessible and profound at the same time. He was also genuinely moved by human suffering and with the help of generous donors had actually run several good initiatives for the poor and the needy. He regularly gave audiences and dispensed advice-both spiritual and mundane. Several marriages owed their longevity to him, as did the unity of many families… True, he had his faults. But those faults were refreshingly very un-godman like. He enjoyed good food and had an incorrigible sweet tooth. He also liked forwarding Good morning messages on WhatsApp. Some townsfolk could not forgive these flaws. They could not forgive anything that made the Godman human. But most devotees did. His Holiness was kind. He had great presence and a better presence of mind. He was witty and at times funny. His sermons were peppered with humor, which sometimes bordered on the risqué. Most devotees felt closer to him because he could be both godman like and human. And they continued thronging to him. He had a kind word for everyone and seemed to be curiously devoid of affectations that afflicted other godmen. In short, His Holiness was a decent man, a genuine curiosity in our times.

It was this decency that explained His Holiness’s hesitation to intervene. He was not sure if that was the right thing to do. But he had given into flattery and had agreed. And he regretted his decision five minutes into the meeting. Bawling toddlers would have been better, His Holiness was thinking. No sooner had the meeting begun, Reddy and Naidu had started trading insults. They almost came to blows three times. Luckily his disciples had been at hand to intervene. And it had not even been half an hour. He was cursing himself for having agreed to do this. This meeting was just after lunch and this is what he had given up post lunch siesta for! Besides he had begun to feel a little funny. Something that he had eaten during lunch was not agreeing with his stomach and he wasn’t feeling too good. He shifted uncomfortably on his throne, feeling aggrieved, annoyed and angry with himself.

Yet something had to be done. He had to take control of the situation. He raised his voice. He had an impressive baritone.

“Enough, you two”, His Holiness barked at them, “You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. This is not behavior fit for this ashram. Behave yourselves.”

Reddy looked petulant. Naidu sullen.

His Holiness softened.  He said softly now, “Listen, I have called you here with a purpose. Think of the greater good. Think of the town. Think of what can happen, if you two are able to put your differences aside. I am appealing to your higher nature. Is your higher nature not calling upon you? Can you ignore its call”?

Naidu spoke up even before His Holiness had ended his sentence. “Your Holiness, I had come here with good intent. I am willing to compromise. It is Reddy who is the problem. What higher nature, Sire, he is not even human”

Then it begun all over again. Reddy started yelling. They again started trading insults.

His Holiness was now not feeling too good. These two were getting on his nerves. And there were funny noises emerging from his considerable, rotund belly. Luckily these sounds were drowned in the general yelling. But his Holiness knew the noises only too well. He had regrettably extensive experience with these noises. His Holiness, in his fondness for food, was not entirely discriminating or moderate. And from time to time, these noises reminded him of his immoderation. These noises were but a prelude to what His Holiness knew would be an unpleasant afternoon most of which would be spent in the rest room. He was not looking forward to it. Yet he knew with sinking certainty, what was to be. He squirmed in his seat, his face contorting as the first wave of extreme discomfort swept through him. His disciples noticed this too. And they recognized the signs immediately. They made a mental note to cancel the rest of his audiences for the day.

In his squirming and contortions, his Holiness had zoned out. He suddenly came to and realized that he had to postpone the meeting. He could not possibly continue like this. Dealing with this, when he was at his best was in itself difficult. In the state that he was in and thinking of what was to come, it was well-nigh impossible.  He would ask them to come back tomorrow. And he would tell them to stop behaving like children and think about their behavior. He would again appeal to them to listen to the call of their higher nature.

And he told them all of that. Their response surprised him.

“Nothing will change, your Holiness”, Naidu said, “What will change by tomorrow”

“Yes sire”, Reddy spoke up, “some people will never change. Much less in a day”

At least they agreed on something.

“I urge you two to think about what I am saying. Please think this over. Sleep over this. Come back tomorrow. Listen to what I am saying. Tomorrow would be better. I don’t think we can do this now”, His Holiness in an imploring tone.

“This man won’t change by tomorrow, Sire. He won’t change in ages”

“Yeah and what about you, you two faced thief”

“Bastard”

“Cuckold”

They continued abusing each other.

His Holiness sighed. What would he do with them? What could he tell them to make them leave? He could not possibly tell them what he was going through and what sort of an afternoon he expected to have. As he was grappling with these questions, a sudden spasm in his belly urgently informed His Holiness that he could wait no longer. He had to go now. Otherwise it will be too late. Whether or not Reddy and Naidu heeded to the calls of their higher nature, he certainly had a call he could no longer ignore.

He uncrossed his legs and hurriedly got up from his throne. He stood up and hurriedly tried to make for the door which led to his personal chambers. He was wearing a long saffron robe and in his hurry he tripped. As he tripped he fell face first and landed fully prostrate at the feet of the two businessmen.

For a second the two were too busy to notice. They were still yelling at each other. But the loud thud from His Holiness’s fall made them look in the direction of the throne and finding it empty they were momentarily confused. They looked around the room and a couple of seconds later when they noticed the Sire prostrate at their feet, they screamed and sprang out of their chairs. The two disciples, who were also momentarily distracted, to notice the fall, saw the Sire lying down at the feet of the two businessmen. They were too stunned to move for a few seconds. And then they rushed forward.

Meanwhile, His Holiness was himself confused. He remembered he was erect a moment ago. He was not entirely sure how he had ended up on the floor. He tried to find his bearings and understand what happened. And then another spasm hit, with greater urgency, this time. Nothing mattered after that. What happened? Why was he on the floor? How did he end up here? All of these questions could be answered later. His Holiness sprang upright from his prostrate position with surprising agility for someone so rotund. His disciples who had almost reached him stopped in their tracks surprised at this feat of agility.

As he stood up, His Holiness was now face to face with Reddy and Naidu. All color had left both their faces. His Holiness had prostrated in front of them! They were shivering. Their lips were quivering.

“Your Holiness  …” one of them tried to speak.

His Holiness could stand it no longer. He folded his hands and begged them.

“Please I can’t take it anymore. Please, please come back tomorrow”

“Your Holiness, a thousand apologies for our behavior. It was not worthy…..”

“Please, please. I have to go. Please come back tomorrow.” His Holiness folded his hands once again.

“Your Holiness, we will behave. We have been boors. Please forgive us. Don’t leave us”

His Holiness now had started at a trot towards the door that led to his personal chambers. The two businessmen started trotting beside him. “Please Sire, please don’t go”

“I have to, you don’t understand. I can’t be here anymore. I can’t take it”.

One of them dared to lightly grab the sire by his elbow. His Holiness slowed down for a moment and was horrified when he realized he had slowed down.

“Don’t stop me, please. I beg of you two”, His Holiness was almost in tears.”Let me go. I can’t be here anymore. Don’t follow me.”

At this the two stopped. His Holiness rushed out of the door. He reached his chambers and entered the restroom. Luckily, he was just in time. But he knew, he was going to spend a long afternoon in there.

****************************************************************************************************************************

His Holiness had recovered by the next morning. He had to skip dinner and had to take his usual pill, but he had fully recovered. He was even in high spirits. He would see those two again today, he thought. He doubted he could do much but he had given his word and he would try his best. He even promised himself that he would watch what he ate today. He did not want a repeat of yesterday. As he was thinking these thoughts, he heard a knock on his door.

“Enter”, he said.

It was one of his disciples.

He bowed low and said, “Sire, the District Magistrate and the Superintendent of the Police are here. They are requesting an audience.”

His Holiness was surprised. It was quite unlike them to drop in unannounced. Did something else come up? Was there a new urgency to resolve the dispute? Were they here to check on the status?

His Holiness was a little worried now. He resolved to tell them that he was trying and it was not an easy problem to solve. The two businessmen would kill each other before compromising. But he would still try.

Thinking these thoughts, he entered the audience room. The DM and the SP were seated in the same plastic chairs as Reddy and Naidu were sitting in yesterday. As soon as he entered the room, the two got up and prostrated themselves before him. His Holiness blessed them and took his seat on the throne. He was about to speak, when the DM spoke up.

“Thank you, your Holiness. We can’t thank you enough for what you have done.”

“Truly sire, you are a true miracle worker. You resolved a 20 year old dispute in less than a day”

His Holiness was confused. He noticed that both the DM and the SP were beaming.

“I am meeting them today. I was going to call them”, he mumbled.

“I am glad to hear that Sire. But they are too ashamed. You may have to coax them to come”, the DM said.

“Ashamed? Why?” His Holiness was getting increasingly puzzled.

“Your Holiness, you truly are not of this world if you have to ask that question”, the SP said reverentially, “I mean I would be ashamed too if I were in their position”

“Yes sire”, the DM said, “they told us what happened. They were bawling like babies”

His Holiness, while still confused, understood that this was something good.

“So, what did they tell you?” he asked his eyebrows knitted.

“That you really showed them how to let go of their ego. How to answer the call of their higher nature”, the DM replied.

“Go on”, His Holiness said.

“Yes Sire”, the SP now eagerly cut in, “they told us how they behaved like boors. How they behaved in a way that was not worthy of your holy presence. Yet, you showed them how to leave their egos behind.”

“And how did I exactly did I do that? Did they say?” the Holiness asked.

“Of course sire. And it was very moving. What you did? You truly are great Sire”, the SP.

“You sire, a pontiff, a man of God, the most revered, learned in the scriptures, otherworldly…” the SP was going on.

“Yes, yes “, the Holiness cut in impatiently, “I am all of those things. What is it that I am supposed to have done?”

“Just like you Sire, just like you”, the DM said folding his hands in reverence, “Just like to always be teaching us the lessons of life. Even now you are testing us. This town is truly fortunate to have you, your Holiness”

“Listen…” your Holiness was getting annoyed now.

But the DM spoke up. “You Sire, a person like you. You fell at their feet. At their feet, sire. At the feet of two mere mortals. Two uncultured boors, according to their own confession.”

“And that is when it dawned on them Sire”, the SP said, “That is what letting go of ego means. If you could fall at their feet and stand in front of them with folded hands, can’t they let go of their egos and to resolve a small dispute”.

“Sire, it is a lesson that you have taught to all of us, not only to them. We will always remember this Sire”.

His Holiness was shocked. But he had the presence of mind to just nod along.

“They told us they tried to stop you from leaving. But that you were rushing out. That you seemed in a hurry. And in not a little pain”, the DM

“Yes, I was in pain”, His Holiness intoned gravely.

“They told us Sire. They are aware and ashamed of the pain that they caused you.”

“But now they understand Sire. Now they understand why you had left in such a hurry”

“They do?” His Holiness asked, looking a little worried.

“Yes Sire. You left because it was the right time to leave”, the SP said.

“Yes, it would have been disastrous otherwise”, His Holiness.

“Disastrous Sire?” the SP asked

“Yes, too late, I meant”, His Holiness

“Yes Sire that was the right time to leave. To give them the time to think about what just happened. To not accept their apologies then and there. What a lesson Sire, what a lesson”, the SP.

“They waited for a while, hoping you would come back Sire”, the DM said, “but you didn’t come back. They waited for two hours. They tried to ask your disciples. But your disciples would simply lower their head and say gravely that you were not coming back today. By the way, Sire, your disciples truly understand your methods. They are truly deserving to be serving you, Sire”

“They sure are”, His Holiness nodded.

“That’s when it dawned on them Sire. Your lesson. What you were trying to teach them. They rushed out of the Ashram and came immediately to us. They were bawling as I said. They told us that the land dispute is no longer going to be a problem”

“Please accept our humble gratitude, Sire”, he continued, “You have taught us all a great lesson. You have taught us all how to heed the call of one’s higher nature.

“Yes, that is true”, His Holiness sighed, “When nature calls, one cannot resist”

WANTED : ‘WEAK’ LEADERS

I have written elsewhere about our obsession with ‘Strong’ leaders. As a people we seem to deliberately seek out certain qualities in our leaders. Perhaps it is an unconscious expression of the desire for a ‘parent figure’. And when we do find such a leader who conforms to our image of being ‘strong’ , our devotion to such a figure is almost religious and our adoration borders on the mystical. We seem to be in possession of a huge capacity to give up our own agency, in a sense, to follow said leader. We attribute superhuman qualities to the leader. He /she attains omnipotence in our collective psyche. In that respect, this reflects the worst aspects of religious experience because this seems to parallel how many of us look to God.

When everything is fine and things are going smooth, such an attitude towards leaders-while not ideal, may be doesn’t do much harm. The trouble begins when trouble begins (pun intended). Because even in a crisis, we find it difficult to criticize someone whom we had put on a pedestal and worshiped. We find it difficult to ask questions, because so far, we never asked questions. The entire basis for our adoration was the omnipotence of said leader. In the process of following the leader and raising him/her to superhuman status, we gave up our rationality and agency. This person was our panacea to everything and our final hope. This person was supposed to lead us into utopia and we had all packed our bags to follow him there to take up permanent residence. But when all this person does is lead us from crisis to crisis, what do we do? We cannot start questioning, because that muscle atrophied hopelessly a long time back. How do we criticize someone we had raised to the status of a ‘God’? I guess we cannot, short of admitting that we have been worshiping a false god till now. That our superhero turned out to have feet of clay. The trouble with such an admission – it is more an indictment of ourselves than it is of the leader. We are admitting to a horrible error in judgement, which a lot of us are loath to do.

The second problem to such an admission – a God/hero has to be replaced by another God/hero-surely humans can’t seat themselves on the vacated throne. So before admitting to have been worshiping a false God, we have to identify a new God to take that place. And gods of course are hard to find. It may have something to do with the fact that they don’t exist. So in the absence of a new hero/God we continue worshiping the old God. True, we are a bit cross with said God and not happy, but it is God after all and whatever God does, it is always for our good.

Perhaps such is the dilemma that many ‘Bhakts’ find themselves in. Despite finding ourselves in the midst of a horrible, avoidable human tragedy –may be that is why many supporters of the current ruling dispensation, find it difficult to criticize and withdraw their support. Now I am not talking about the people and institutions with a vested interest who support the administration for obvious, self-serving reasons. I am talking about ordinary supporters, as ordinary as you and me. We are afraid of losing hope and the vacuum that a vacated throne creates. And perhaps this is what is behind refrains like –“but what is the alternative” and “whatever is being done, must have been fully thought through”.

In a sense, the problem is not the leader per se, but us. And the qualities that we seek from leaders. And this desire for a strong leader and the willingness to give up our own agency is not limited to the political realm. I have seen it multiple times in the relatively boring environs of the corporate world also. We have very specific definitions for ‘Strength’ as well. We typically look for charisma, decisiveness and the ability to brook no dissent. In that sense we seem to revel in being steamrolled ourselves. We also end up making certain assumptions – that this person can solve all problems and as an extension solving for problems requires only a strong will. We typically tend to underestimate complexity of the problems being solved and conveniently ignore the fact that the problems facing us are far too complex and have far too many implications for one person with a strong will to satisfactorily solve for. The ancient shibboleth – Where there is a will –there is a way- needs revisiting. Having a will is a necessary condition but not always a sufficient one.

In our search for strength, we also unconsciously define a ‘negative’ list. We don’t say or admit to this openly or even consciously but it is tacit. We frown upon a consultative leader. We frown upon anyone who displays even an iota of self-doubt. We neither look for empathy nor set too much store by kindness. We elevate our search for strength to such heights that ‘Will’ replaces expertise. We perversely revel in ‘one person’ shows and do not give too much thought to what it does to the culture of the organization or society. We enjoy ‘displays of strength’ – the no brooking of any dissent and the active discouragement of ‘questioning’. Everything becomes ad- hominem. And when questioning dies- with it die scientific temper and rationality.

By defining leadership so narrowly and by elevating our leaders to such stratospheric heights, we do ourselves disservice. Despite being disappointed we keep setting store by this. In fact disappointments seem to strengthen this behavior further.

May be what we need today across the corporate and political realms are ‘weak’ leaders. Leaders who understand that the problems they are solving are far too complex for any one person to solve. Leaders who set store by expertise, who consult widely and who, once in a while, display self-doubt. Leaders who encourage questioning and see that as a sign of their strength. Leaders who are human.

We need such ‘weak’ leaders who can build strong institutions and processes. We hanker after ‘strong’ leaders and weak institutions.

To get there we need to give up seeking certain qualities in our leaders to the exclusion of everything else and take back the agency that we have so willingly given up.

 In a sense, it is like giving up religion. Difficult at first, but liberating once done.

ORDINARY EVIL

I read an article in a magazine recently. It was on the plight of the polish Jews in the Second World War during the German occupation of Poland. Jews were of course being systematically eliminated across Nazi Germany and German occupied lands. Similar exterminations were unfolding in Poland. In Poland, the Germans had drafted Polish citizens into a ‘citizen’s militia’. This militia was taking active part in the exterminations. So it was ordinary Polish citizens playing an active part in eliminating their fellow citizens. They would apparently break into Jewish homes during the night. They would take them out into the woods and simply shoot them. They would not discriminate either basis age or gender. They would kill the old and the infirm and the children too. Some of them even considered killing children an “act of kindness”, particularly those who had lost their parents to said exterminations. This, of course, is common knowledge.

  The article’s focus was something else. It was on the ‘ordinariness’ of the constitution of this citizen militia. The members of the said militia were ‘average joes’. Ordinary people. Some holding blue collar and some holding white collar jobs. Under normal circumstances you would not have mistaken them for such cold blooded killers. A lot of them would have been good neighbors and helpful human beings. Some of them were even friends with the very Jews they were helping kill. This struck me. The ordinariness. The sheer capacity for evil that somehow emerged under a certain set of circumstances. One would not have mistaken these people to be bad or evil before. Yet here they were. Murdering in cold blood. They were not paid killers either. Around 20% of them apparently were distressed the first time they did this. But a lot of them, 80%, continued indulging in this. They went on killing. They continued to take orders. They continued to obey authority towards these ends. I was struck by this as much as I was struck by the extent of hatred which is needed to accomplish this. Did they hate the Jews so much? Even gentile citizens who were not part of the killings, knew something like this was going on. Yet, across Nazi Germany, everyone seems to have commiserated with the killings. It was almost like a conspiracy of silence. Were all of them so badly affected by the Jews, that they actively condoned this?

 I am hard pressed for an explanation. But upon further reflection, it occurs to me that such behavior is not out of the ordinary. It occurs time and again. The Stanford Prison experiment, for instance, shows us both people’s capacity to submit to authority as also their ability to inflict pain on their fellows. People don’t necessarily either actively resist or actively speak up against evil.

Closer home, take the 2002 riots for example. Again ordinary citizens, transformed. Extracting an illusory ‘revenge’. Protecting a false ‘ideal’. And of course, egged on by self-serving and irresponsible leaders. One may not agree with the parallels being drawn. What happened in Germany was genocide. They were systematic. These were just riots. Spontaneous. I would submit that this is just semantics. And that the similarities dwarf the differences. Here too we have stories of ordinary citizens, ‘good people’ otherwise, participating actively in the riots. No one would have considered them killers. Yet they were. And many who didn’t participate actively, condoned the killings, either passively by their silence or actively, later by their votes. Hell, around 34% of the active voting population of the country-twice.Of course, we voted for different things. Most would say they voted for development. But in full knowledge of what transpired.

It is quite scary actually. That when it comes right down to it, our capacity to question and stand up to evil is questionable. That we may fail ourselves at the critical moment. History seems to be full of such examples. We either become silent or we become complicit. Or we simply do not care. When it comes right down to it, we become one with the evil – for personal gains, out of an inability to question or via apathy. In that sense, it looks like a powder keg we are all sitting on. The right circumstances and it will always blow up. This is all the more scary considering how just about everything is communalized in our country these days. Things are either green or orange.

In Nazi Germany, there was a long campaign of hatred and misinformation against the Jews. However, this misinformation also fell on a fertile ground of bigotry that always existed. Together, this is what perhaps produced the circumstances for the subsequent genocide. We have something similar playing out in our country today. Of course the ruling dispensation here is nowhere as explicit in their hatred as the Nazis were. At least the top echelons are not. They have suitably modified this playbook for the pseudo democratic milieu we inhabit. The ruling dispensation gives us a masterclass on how to press democracy into the services of dictatorship. But that aside, what is really striking is how bigotry is becoming mainstream. I am discovering attitudes in people that I had not seen a few years back. Most of us seem to be ‘casually bigoted’. I have known of people – friends, relatives who used to justify the 2002 riots. I always thought they were nuts. And used to think that, thankfully, there are not many of them. However, the ranks of these people seem to be swelling. Hatred and bigotry are mainstream. They are fashionable.

There is a vehement sense of grievance. A palpable, passionate hatred. A sense that certain ‘wrongs’ need to be righted. The sense of the ‘other’ strengthens. Facts don’t seem to matter. Reality be damned.

And as things get worse, these attitudes only harden. Reason slowly ceases to exist. Facts are actively ignored. And the vicious cycle repeats.

It is quite scary. I have a feeling it is only going to get worse.

SISYPHUS ,CLICHES AND LIFE

I wrote this piece a long time back -close to a decade ago–NOT A CHILD , NOT YET AN OLD MAN . I was going through my old posts and saw this. And it started a series of reflections. I was particularly struck by the hopeful tone of this post. It was so optimistic about the future . I thought it would be interesting to reflect on the last decade ,about my place in life and how do I feel now about the future.

As I reflect upon my life – one singular feeling stands out – that of disappointment. Disappointment in myself. I feel like I have singularly failed at many endeavors of my life. I have never lived up to the promises that I made to msyelf or to others -implicitly expected or explicitly made. I have always been an indifferent employee . I have been an uncaring friend. I am a bad husband and a rather mediocre son. True , I am materially comfortable and there are the visible trappings of success. I do count that among my blessings but somehow that doesnt console me because I am not living the way I want to or thought I would be.

Ironically ,at the same time I feel disappointed with the world ,the souls peopling it  and life in general. I wonder at it’s vagaries and cringe at it’s indifference. I have known pain and struggle and loss. I have known bitter disappointment and I have been a bitter disappointment to others. I have been depressed more than I care to admit. I have never been suicidal but I have wondered if there isnt a quick painless end. In short , in general life sucks and is sucked out of you -literally and metaphorically.

And as I wonder about all of this , I cant help thinking if there is a better attitude to life? I feel like I am stuck in the same place as I was a decade back. Searching , hoping  and getting disappointed. Have other people handled it better? Is there any one I can look up to for guidance? My thoughts turn to my mother. She got married when she was 18 ,small town , orthodox set up . She had me when she was 19. Her husband , my father deserted us when she was 23. So she had me , no job , no clue of her husband’s whereabouts and an education that was incomplete. Thankfully , my grandfather, her father , took us in. So she had shelter. So she lands a job , completes her education and raises me -all by herself and no she didnt remarry. I owe a lot to her.

Anyways , as I reflect upon this – I feel amazed. I see her strength and am awed. She faced the usual struggles of a single woman raising a kid by herself . I am her only offspring. My grandfather passed away more than two decades ago. I am what she got but apart from that she has no else to share her life with. She is lonely and severely weathered by life. I have disappointed her more than I would care to admit to myself . I have not been a great son.

And I see her attitude to life. There is no bitterness. No cynicism. The world has disappointed her but she hasnt turned away from it. She is strong yet retains vulnerability. She is realistic yet devoid of cyisicims. She is life weary yet hopeful. She had her disappointments ,yet not given to bitterness. She is devout. I would have turned away from God and religion in her place. I marvel at this attitude and I am thinking to msyelf that is the attitude I want.

I have always been struck by the Myth of Sisyphus. Rolling the boulder up the hill only to see it rolling down again ,KNOWING that it will roll down again. It is a deliberate choice. Life is like that I guess. It is a deliberate choice. A choice to live it or not. A choice to embrace it or not. And hope is important in this choice. And Will.

I suppose one continues get disappointed and one continues to disappoint. But cest la vie ,I guess. Its a deliberate choice one has to make – of going on living and embracing life. What drives this choice? Damned if I know . I guess it just is or isnt. Existentialists tell us its the will to life and that angst is a necessary accompaniment to life. I tend to agree with them.

Sometimes there is solace to be found in cliches. One cliche that comes to mind is from the Gita – Karmanye vadhikaraste.ma phaleshu kadachana. Do your thing and let the results be. Does it mean no expectations ? I am not so sure. Expecting and hoping are the key to the Will to live. I think its more an exhortation to continue living. It is a nice attitude. YOu are sure to be disappointed but you will continue to start rolling the boulder up the hill again.

Courage is important too I guess -to know what makes one happy and struggle for it. To know how to tell the difference between contentment and happiness . TO know the difference between serenity and true euphoria-for serenity and peace are like a stupor. To be willing to make choices- deliberate ones and to be willing to fight for those choices. They are burdens yes but I guess its the choice one makes.

So in that sense , I guess I would like to correct my attitude from before. One should always  be a child because what else but childish naivete can prompt someone to embrace life and one can never be an old man because it is always a choice to make – a deliberate choice to continue living and trying to find happiness – whatever that means for one.

IDENTITY AND LABELS

“So are you an atheist or not?” , some one asked. They sounded exasperated and troubled. As to what occasioned the question – my enthusiasm for the Diwali Pooja and the associated rituals. I have always held myself to be an atheist. I have been open about it –announcing it to friends and family. I love reading the works of the ‘four horsemen’ – Dawkins , Bennett , Harris and Hitchens. I have had vigorous debates on the existence of God with believers. So I guess I can understand why the juxtaposition of my enthusiasm for certain rituals and my avowed atheism can be puzzling and troubling- to the extent of allegations (valid ones) of hypocrisy and ‘drama’. “Were you lying then or are you lying now?”  That is a question that I guess I have to answer –to myself at least. And this started a series of reflections.

Specifically in regards for my enthusiasm for the Diwali rituals – I suppose there is a more mundane explanation. I missed my mother this Diwali. She wasn’t able to join us. I guess I was trying to recapture some of the essence of her presence last time. More importantly , these rituals remind me of my childhood and how Diwali was celebrated back home. When I was younger (than I am now) , I didn’t particularly care about these things. But now ,somehow I want to hold on to some memories and I suppose this is my way of recreating them.

But I think that still does not answer the larger questions- why would I not reject these rituals in light of my atheism? Is the above explanation enough? Am I an atheist then or just a convenient one? What is my stand on religion and God? What does this say about how I identify myself as?

I have always been obsessed with religion and God. I have been born into an orthodox ,religious family. I count temple priests among my ancestors. Religion has been and is a way of life for my family. In my childhood and teenage years I have always see sawed between being an atheist and being a believer. I think it was in my late teens that I finally settled on being an atheist. And I suppose I continue to be one. So what does that mean to me? It means I do not believe in the existence of an all powerful deity or deities. I do not believe that a being is watching over us. I do not believe we will be punished or rewarded for deeds bad or good – either here or in another imaginary world. I see many logical fallacies in the argument for God. My brand of atheism is not that of the disappointed child who blames an absent father – meaning I do not think that a God exists but is indifferent to us. My brand of atheism is not one of the ‘weaker’ versions. I do  not think ‘some power’ or ‘something’ exists. The universe is indifferent to our existence and there is nobody watching over us. I firmly am of the opinion that religion , in general has caused a lot of harm and religious zeal is amongst the worst impulses in the world.

Having said all of this , I also continue to be fascinated by religion- by religions of all kinds. Religion is a human creation and not a divine one. To marvel at it , is to marvel at human creativity. It is to marvel at what the human mind is capable of thinking up. True there is some really demented ,screwed up stuff but there is also lot that is beautiful ,touching and moving. Religious feeling and awe has been the inspiration for some of the greatest works of art, some of the most beautiful poetry and songs. Some of the most moving impulses have their roots in religious awe. To date , my most moving ,calming experience has been a call to prayer by a muezzin in a mosque in Istanbul. It was dusk. The sun was setting. The sky was a dark shade of orangish-red. May be it was the atmosphere. May be it was the place. But that call to prayer was one of the sweetest , most moving things I have ever heard. And I couldn’t help thinking to myself – even God would respond to that. Would one call it a religious experience? The earnestness in the voice , its sweetness were inspired by faith and by religious awe. I may have neither of these , but should that stop me from partaking in the beauty of this and appreciating the impulse that was it’s source? Similarly I appreciate certain rituals and traditions- for what they mean and what they meant to the people creating them. As long as I am mindful of the reasons why I am partaking in them , does that make me any less of an atheist? Some of the nicest people I know are religious I respect their faith ,while I do not share in it. My mother is religious and I don’t mind doing stuff for her , if that makes her happy , as long as she understand my position as well.

Religious awe can create both timeless beauty and mindless zeal. We need to be perhaps mindful that both of these have a human and not divine provenance. I like what some religious traditions have to say about the world , about how they see God . I would love to study them. I would like to know more. I don’t think that makes a person of faith.

I will continue to marvel at , be fascinated with and understand religion more. I will continue to partake in the beauty of the religious impulse . Ultimately , appreciating religion and its related impulses is appreciating humanity- for both the beauty it can create and the ugliness it can engender. And I will not bother about narrow labels.

 

DYING BEFORE DEATH

It is important not be obsessed with labels, particularly those that we give to ourselves. We tell ourselves that we are a certain kind of person. That we would never do certain things that we have seen other do or that we could never like certain kinds of experiences.  These labels could be anything –our ideals , our sense of morality , our idea of how the world is and how it should be , our own self image.. Most of the times these labels stand in our way. The image that we have built for ourselves becomes uncomfortably limiting at best and a prison at the worst. We end up doing things because we want to live up to our own image and not because they make us happy and help us change and grow. There are times when we do things because they are expected of us. That’s fine once in a while , even healthy at times. We want to do them too. But we would be doing ourselves a disservice if we take this too far. And the worst kind of disservice that we can do ourselves is doing things because we expect it of ourselves – when we try to live upto our own self image – and end up limiting our chances of growth, not taking our shot at happiness and undermining positive change and transformation. I know I have made this mistake. These are the perils of telling yourself that you are a certain kind of person – even more dangerous than listening to others tell you that you are a certain kind of person.

I just finished a book which got me thinking along these lines. These thoughts don’t exactly count as epiphanies but they come close. The book is “The fourty rules of Love” by Elfin Shafak. It is not one of the best books I have read – in terms of plot , characters or dialogue , sheer literary merit or even style. But this  is one book that has spoken to me and is bound to stay with me forever. It has opened up many lines of enquiry for me to pursue and shown me new ways of thinking. I suppose that’s what good books do or are supposed to do. And this one did that for me.

The plot switches between the stories of the Sufi poet Rumi and his friendship with Shams of Tabriz and a middle aged housewife Ella and her friendship and love with Aziz ,an itinerant photographer and a convert into Sufism. It has a different style of story telling. Different characters voice their perspectives and stories in each chapter as the novel unfolds. Not the best of styles but interesting. There are several secondary characters ,which to be honest are sometimes convenient stepping stones and don’t add much to the story. Every key character has been given a voice of it’s own , except surprisingly for Aziz. Wonder why the author didn’t find it necessary for the readers to know Aziz’s perspective. But if I am being honest , I think this books is neither about plot nor about characters. And it definitely not about a historical account of either Sufism or of Rumi. I think it is primarily about four things : Transformations , Happiness , Love and Conversations – all of them interrelated.

Transformations: This book is primarily about transformations – notably that of Ella and Rumi. Sometimes Ella appears as a metaphorical Rumi. It may appear on the surface that they are undergoing different kinds of transformations and  towards very different ends. The contexts of the transformations may be different but the journeys are similar. Only by letting go of what each thought was important to them , only by letting go of what they held very dear , only by letting go of their own self image and what they expected themselves to be – do each of them fulfill their journeys. They had to kill their nafs. And only in doing so would they find their true purpose, true happiness and love. They void themselves to achieve fuller lives. Each of them does so with the help of a guide , Aziz in the case of Ella and Shams in the case of Rumi. And each of them tragically lose their true love once they achieve this transformation. I suppose it is not about happy endings or even about endings. The present is all we have. The book talks about true submission as opposed to meek passivity- a subtle and a beautiful concept. We should submit to the music of the universe as we add our own little notes to it , compose as we are being composed , neither hostages to the past nor dreamers of the future ,composing our present as we ‘let life live through us’ , continually voiding ourselves to lead fuller lives. Never letting ourselves held hostage by others expectations of us and more importantly our own self image.

Happiness: This is related. Mostly we trade comfort for happiness , even confuse them both. We choose comfort and contentment over happiness and tell ourselves that we are happy. The path to happiness is not shod with comfort and contentment is a poor second. It is a journey – a perilous one. Even embarking on it takes courage. And there are no guarantees. Happiness perhaps does not always favor the brave nor does it always have to be a forever after ending. We should all pray that we find within ourselves the courage and the strength to ‘die before our deaths’ to embark on this journey when we have chance to with humble submission on our minds. Because , again unless we void ourselves we wont lead fuller lives.

Love: Sufism is primarily about love- the love for God and by an extension a love for the world and all of humanity. In these troubled , intolerant times we may need this more than ever – a simple love and acceptance of differences. That certainly is in short supply these days. Sufism is also about breaking down of barriers. It is a happy philosophy. It is a rejection of rigid rituals and calcified hierarchies. It is a rejection of intermediaries. It celebrates God by dance , song and poetry and does not just venerate. A close parallel is the Bhakti Movement in Hinduism , the tradition of the Alwars and the Nayanars in Tamil Nadu – where barriers of caste and hierarchy break down, the devotee becomes a lover and is elevated to sainthood. This book is about love of all kinds. The love for God , for humanity , the love between two friends , love between two lovers. The last two form the main theme of the book. These loves blossom unexpectedly , unbeknownst to the lovers themselves . The lovers are able to attain this only after transforming themselves and only after having the courage to embark on the path to happiness. It is beautiful.

Conversations: That’s how love blossoms in the first place! Conversations , dialogue ,sharing. That’s what happens between Ella and Aziz and what happens between Rumi and Shams. Ella and Aziz write emails to each other. Rumi and Shams talk. The power of words and the potency of conversations cannot be overstated. My only complaint with the book is that there could have been more of those in there.

All in all , I think I have changed a bit for the better after reading this book. If that is not a sign of a good book , I do not know what is.