IDENTITY AND LABELS

“So are you an atheist or not?” , some one asked. They sounded exasperated and troubled. As to what occasioned the question – my enthusiasm for the Diwali Pooja and the associated rituals. I have always held myself to be an atheist. I have been open about it –announcing it to friends and family. I love reading the works of the ‘four horsemen’ – Dawkins , Bennett , Harris and Hitchens. I have had vigorous debates on the existence of God with believers. So I guess I can understand why the juxtaposition of my enthusiasm for certain rituals and my avowed atheism can be puzzling and troubling- to the extent of allegations (valid ones) of hypocrisy and ‘drama’. “Were you lying then or are you lying now?”  That is a question that I guess I have to answer –to myself at least. And this started a series of reflections.

Specifically in regards for my enthusiasm for the Diwali rituals – I suppose there is a more mundane explanation. I missed my mother this Diwali. She wasn’t able to join us. I guess I was trying to recapture some of the essence of her presence last time. More importantly , these rituals remind me of my childhood and how Diwali was celebrated back home. When I was younger (than I am now) , I didn’t particularly care about these things. But now ,somehow I want to hold on to some memories and I suppose this is my way of recreating them.

But I think that still does not answer the larger questions- why would I not reject these rituals in light of my atheism? Is the above explanation enough? Am I an atheist then or just a convenient one? What is my stand on religion and God? What does this say about how I identify myself as?

I have always been obsessed with religion and God. I have been born into an orthodox ,religious family. I count temple priests among my ancestors. Religion has been and is a way of life for my family. In my childhood and teenage years I have always see sawed between being an atheist and being a believer. I think it was in my late teens that I finally settled on being an atheist. And I suppose I continue to be one. So what does that mean to me? It means I do not believe in the existence of an all powerful deity or deities. I do not believe that a being is watching over us. I do not believe we will be punished or rewarded for deeds bad or good – either here or in another imaginary world. I see many logical fallacies in the argument for God. My brand of atheism is not that of the disappointed child who blames an absent father – meaning I do not think that a God exists but is indifferent to us. My brand of atheism is not one of the ‘weaker’ versions. I do  not think ‘some power’ or ‘something’ exists. The universe is indifferent to our existence and there is nobody watching over us. I firmly am of the opinion that religion , in general has caused a lot of harm and religious zeal is amongst the worst impulses in the world.

Having said all of this , I also continue to be fascinated by religion- by religions of all kinds. Religion is a human creation and not a divine one. To marvel at it , is to marvel at human creativity. It is to marvel at what the human mind is capable of thinking up. True there is some really demented ,screwed up stuff but there is also lot that is beautiful ,touching and moving. Religious feeling and awe has been the inspiration for some of the greatest works of art, some of the most beautiful poetry and songs. Some of the most moving impulses have their roots in religious awe. To date , my most moving ,calming experience has been a call to prayer by a muezzin in a mosque in Istanbul. It was dusk. The sun was setting. The sky was a dark shade of orangish-red. May be it was the atmosphere. May be it was the place. But that call to prayer was one of the sweetest , most moving things I have ever heard. And I couldn’t help thinking to myself – even God would respond to that. Would one call it a religious experience? The earnestness in the voice , its sweetness were inspired by faith and by religious awe. I may have neither of these , but should that stop me from partaking in the beauty of this and appreciating the impulse that was it’s source? Similarly I appreciate certain rituals and traditions- for what they mean and what they meant to the people creating them. As long as I am mindful of the reasons why I am partaking in them , does that make me any less of an atheist? Some of the nicest people I know are religious I respect their faith ,while I do not share in it. My mother is religious and I don’t mind doing stuff for her , if that makes her happy , as long as she understand my position as well.

Religious awe can create both timeless beauty and mindless zeal. We need to be perhaps mindful that both of these have a human and not divine provenance. I like what some religious traditions have to say about the world , about how they see God . I would love to study them. I would like to know more. I don’t think that makes a person of faith.

I will continue to marvel at , be fascinated with and understand religion more. I will continue to partake in the beauty of the religious impulse . Ultimately , appreciating religion and its related impulses is appreciating humanity- for both the beauty it can create and the ugliness it can engender. And I will not bother about narrow labels.